I can remember as a child, I was determined to be the best I could be, not out of competitive behavior but in order to please everyone else. I believe this is where my need to perfect everything I did began. Much to my detriment, this carried on into my adult years. Striving to work hard, play hard, and accomplish all of my goals.
I began traveling a lot in my 20s, being exposed to new experiences, new cultures, different perspectives. I was out to save the environment and the planet.
I settled down in my early 30s, got married, and before I knew it, I was living someone else’s life. My days followed my husband and his family’s ideals. I thought if I followed all the rules that I would receive the love and acknowledgement I was so desperately craving…again, a product of my upbringing.
When I arrived at my 40s, I became reflective, I began questioning. I felt like a terrible person for even doing so. I mean, this was the life I had planned, this is what was expected of me, and I was determined to follow through and succeed.
In October of 2018, I was catapulted into a new life beyond anything I could have comprehended. I was diagnosed with a tumor at the base of my brain causing a rare disease that destroys the body over time. My life would never be the same.
Initially, I resisted this change. I went from being an endurance and Ironman athlete, a detailed and highly sought after wedding planner, and the girl that did everything “perfectly”. Who was I now?
I began to explore this. But there was so much outside noise. Friends, family, doctors, therapists, all telling me what I should do, what may (or may not) happen, and to accept what is. It felt like people were finally done with my high level of over-achieving and over-accomplishing. But who gets to determine this?
I felt defeated.
I began to stop focusing on what I could no longer do. I began tuning out the outside opinions, comments, and concerns.
I began asking myself “What CAN I do?” What am I Capable, and Able, to do Now in this moment? Capable, Able, Now became my mantra. “What CAN I do?” became the first question I began asking myself each morning, following my morning gratitude.
I started off with small steps. Many of my days were accomplishing little things we take for granted like brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and walking to the mailbox.
I started building on what was possible with each step. First, I began painting which turned into selling my artwork worldwide. Then, I began only thinking about getting on my bike, but I knew just the thing that might get me to take action! I would sign up for an 1,845-mile bicycle journey from Canada to Mexico down the Pacific coast of the USA. The moment I registered for this semi-supported tour, I began the forward motion and momentum that I needed.
A walk to the mailbox turned into 5 minutes on my bicycle trainer, which turned into 8-mile bike rides, which turned into completing my first 100-mile bike ride post-surgery and treatment.
I began looking at the obstacles and challenges in my life differently and I began viewing the world with expansive possibilities. I realized that the only limits I faced were due to the constraints I put on myself, they were of my own doing. And therefore, could be my own undoing.
Both my mindset and my heartset began to open up more fully and I could see my life and all that I was capable of.
I was no longer willing to live my life according to others and what I thought was expected of me. I redefined what perfectionism means to me and began to revel in all these incredible parts of myself that started stepping forward.
I was going to live my life bigger and better than before and no one was going to stop me, no one gets a say in how I operate as an individual.
This wasn’t as simple as flipping a light switch. Again, I began making small steps like buying and wearing the cloths that I like, bright vibrant colors and outrageous quirky attire! I began eating the foods I wanted, attending shows I wanted, I pulled out my big old bucket list and decided it was time to start checking off all those things I have always wanted to do or try. I learned to hip hop, salsa, west coast swing, and bachata! I tried a silk aerialist class, went indoor skydiving, boxing, and axe throwing. I bashfully sat in on a dominatrix class and learned to embody my own commanding presence! I completed my first book, I have been interviewed on over 40 podcasts, spoken on stages, and continue to inspire others on a global scale.
I am as real, genuine, and authentic as it gets. My heart is full of love, compassion, and openness. I truly love seeing others succeed and if I can guide them through that as a Gestalt Practitioner, the feeling is incredible!
I am in love with who I am becoming, and I embrace the unfolding and evolution of her.
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