We fill our Pinterest boards with pins of who we want to be. We buy clothes for when we lose the baby weight…We pin our hopes on the job promotion at work. We define ourselves by what we own instead of who we are. The journey to self acceptance is difficult, and has only intensified with social media. ‘Keeping up with the Joneses,’ used to be confined to just your neighborhood and group of friends. But now, thanks to technology, we are keeping up with the world. How can we truly accept who we are, love ourselves, and live authentically? Accept Your Season of Life The first step to loving who you are is to accept the season of life that you are in. Maybe you are a mom with young kids so the pinterest-worthy home is not a present reality. Or maybe you are a busy career woman and the work life balance is unattainable. Accepting the season you are in takes the pressure off and allows you to live in the season you are in—so instead of dreaming of the future, you can put your energy into making your reality something you’ve always dreamed of. The second step to loving who you are is to practice gratitude. This includes feeling appreciation for the things taken for granted, like a place to live, food to eat, and family.
When we don’t practice gratitude, we become dissatisfied. This creates feelings of frustration or sadness because what we want is not what we have. We buy things to fill these voids within. We compensate with consumption.
Why do we turn to temporary external forces rather than the internal fixes? Well for one we don’t have classes like Emotions 101 in school. But in truth it is our physiology, the way we are built. Understand Your Body It is important to understand ourselves mentally and emotionally, but it is equally important to understand how our body works. Afterall, it is hard to love what we don’t understand. For most of us we know that we have thoughts and feelings that we act on. But underneath those thoughts and feelings is a brain that is purely focused on meeting our basic needs: the need for safety, security, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. We all have a deep need to belong. It is hardwired into us from hunter gatherer days. Without a tribe you risked your life, so not fitting in was a death sentence. We may not have the threat of life and death, but our brain still feels threatened when we don’t feel part of the tribe with our coworkers or friend groups. It sees this as a threat to our survival and does whatever it has to to get that need met. We also have a need for esteem, to have confidence, feel respected, and have a sense of self-worth. But how often is our confidence and self-esteem tied to external accomplishments and purchases? Our Instagram feeds are flooded with people exuding confidence in the latest fashions, with prestigious careers and luxury cars. Rather than admiring who they are, we admire what they have. Our brain is constantly on alert, and when a need is not being met it sends us an emotion. With the need of not belonging, it would send an emotion like sadness to motivate us to pursue connection and happiness that comes from belonging to a group. But how often when we are sad do we skip finding friends and go straight to the pantry or straight to Amazon? When we have low self-esteem, our brain sends anger to motivate us to take the necessary steps to increase our self-esteem and get respect. But why go through the hassle when the calming balms of Bath & Body Works can melt away any anger or frustration you are feeling with no effort!
We need to understand that our emotions are giving us clues of what we are feeling and what needs are not being met. Instead of rushing out to fix it, we should look within ourselves for the solution and not to consumption.
Understand Your Habits What we buy says a lot about our level of self acceptance. Get curious about your consumption and what you are buying. If you find yourself buying lots of clothes and accessories, is it to give yourself a self esteem boost? To get recognition? To hide behind the clothes you present yourselves in? Instead of buying things for your appearance, invest time in yourself. Spend your time and energy developing skills and attributes that give you confidence rather than buying clothes that portray it. Develop skills, cultivate hobbies, and become the person you aspire to be. Maybe you are spending lots of money on vacations and trips. Is it to escape your home or current reality? Most of the appeal of vacations is the destination, but a lot of it is the simplicity. You come to a clean location with only what you need in your suitcase. No jumping over clutter, searching endlessly for lost keys. And your agenda on vacation is on activities with focus on family. Instead of living a life you dread, invest in creating a life you don’t want to escape from! Shopping is a form of discovery—discovering who we are. But in shopping for that self discovery we are seeking the self through things, not from within, which will be a fruitless endeavor. We cannot and will not get to self acceptance and self love through things. It is discovering who we are, what we like and dislike, our interests, and what makes us unique that brings us closer to loving who we are and being unapologetically you.
